My "Aha" Moment

>> Wednesday, December 12, 2012

As a child, I adored Christmas.

While we didn’t have a lot of money and there were many lean years, my parents always managed to provide wonderful Christmas memories.

I remember one particular year. We’d been warned to not expect much. My dad was a truck driver and had been laid off that winter. I braced for disappointment yet stared at the gifts piled around me, amazed and loved.

But all too soon, childish things faded, replaced with the stark reality of adulthood.

I found myself in a crisis-filled marriage marred by abuse and alcoholism. Each year I panicked, wondering if he would be sober enough to make it to our family Christmas gathering. I stressed out and tried to keep him from drinking. Disapproving stares from my parents left me shamed and humiliated.

Eventually I ended up alone during post-divorce holidays, wondering if I’d ever have a happy Christmas again.

Another marriage resulted in more pain and heartache. And a second divorce.

Years slipped by and I continued to dread every holiday season, wondering if I’d always be alone. Maybe next year…

Disclaimer: I have a wonderful family that cares about me. I have friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and a terrific church family. I’m so blessed.

But it’s just not the same as being loved by that “someone special.”

My faith remains strong despite emotional entanglements. I celebrate the true meaning of Christmas and know it isn’t about presents and trees and tinsel. 

My head knows it’s about God’s love and the gift he sent us in Christ.

My heart doesn’t always get on board.

This year I determined things would be different. I vowed to accept that I’m exactly where I belong. His timing—his path. And to focus on the ‘reason for the season.’

I forced myself to decorate and put up a tree. Christmas carols blared from my iPhone as I unpacked the nativity scene, arranging each piece just so. I’d just pulled out the manger when God whispered to my heart: “Keep your eyes on the baby.”

I puzzled over the phrase, unsure of the meaning. But during the next few weeks, God started to take me to scriptures about Jesus. Who he is and the sacrifice he made for us. And how much he loves me.
And I experienced my ‘Aha!’ moment.

I see it every time I glance at the nativity on the mantle of my fake fireplace. Or bask in the glow of twinkly Christmas lights. Or hum along with a carol.

The love I crave. It’s been there all along. Born in a stable as a tiny baby.

Oh sure, it’s not the same as having a significant other. Or being folded in a warm embrace. And I still pray, “God, bring me someone that loves me as much as you do.”

But for right now, it’s all good.

As long as I keep my eyes on the baby.


Joanne Sher December 12, 2012 at 2:15 PM  

There's nowhere better for your eyes to be focused. BEAUTIFUL post, Kim. God is good.

Catrina Bradley December 12, 2012 at 10:20 PM  

Kim, I'm weeping. This describes me so well:

"My head knows it’s about God’s love and the gift he sent us in Christ.

My heart doesn’t always get on board."

Thank you for your honesty, and for sharing God's whisper: Keep your eye on the baby."


. December 12, 2012 at 10:31 PM  

Kim what a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing and more than you know you and I share many things. We really should talk more! Stories to share! Going through the same thing you are right now! Hugs! :)

Sandi Shine Hughes,  December 13, 2012 at 6:39 AM  

Wow...I am have truly moved me...."keep your eyes on the baby," the whisper...I could almost feel it... You have outdone yourself this time. Your transparency has and will continue to touch, inspire and bless all who read...Love you Chica!

Cathryn Hasek December 21, 2012 at 7:21 AM  

What a beautiful post! Your openness is amazing and I share your difficulty in having to sometimes "make" yourself decorate and all. With my whole family in Heaven, it is difficult each year. But, the key is, remembering that we are all His and His timing for things is perfect...just look at the Baby! Blessings and Grace!

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